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Dear everyone who asks me when I am coming home,
You ask me time and time again when I am coming home. Haven’t I spent enough years gallivanting around the world and living in a foreign country? Don’t I miss home, the land of the free? Don’t I get homesick? Don’t the weird German cultural quirks drive me crazy? Isn’t learning the language hard?
Your questions seem harmless enough, but it assumes that when I left the United States, I didn’t do so in search of a better life for myself, and I did it as a temporary fix. When our ancestors immigrated to the United States in pursuit of the American dream, when they left their home country to find a better life, I often wonder if they were harassed by people asking when they would return home – to a fate condemning them to unequal rights and squalor? Or do you think their friends and family sent them off with the hope and prayer that wherever they would land, they would find a better life for themselves and their future family?
Maybe it is time to admit to ourselves that the American dream is dead, at least for Americans. Left in its place, are a group of Millennials who are told to work harder like their parents, and they too can succeed. So, we pick up several jobs and work ourselves to the bone, and for what? Instead of saving money to buy a house, we were left with crippling debt, lacking health care, asking our parents for money, and profound anxiety and depression due to rising costs and a minimum wage that can’t keep up. As our parent’s generation ages, they find their social security and retirement money being taken right out from under them.
I left Alaska for my dream job, working as a creative for a hip lifestyle magazine. I was faced with reality when I realized that my dream job didn’t pay the bills or provide insurance. So, I sold my soul to management in a corporate company. I showed up 50 hours every single week and gave it my all. My thanks? Being told I wasn’t wearing enough make up that day, or my outfit wasn’t sexy enough, living paycheck to paycheck, coming in even when I was the sickest I had ever been in my life, fighting to take a vacation, watching my creative spark die as happiness and my zest for life faded. I hated everything about my life, but I was working too hard to care. And you know what? All this was happening to me, a middle-class white person, imagine how bad it was for those not as privileged as me. I was managing people who were exhausted from working four jobs just to put food on the table, people who had every justifiable right to be angry their skin color was the reason they had to work so hard for so little.
Every month I saw my tax deduction, but I never saw where those taxes went. The parks and schools around me were drug-infested places I avoided at night. Homeless people slept on the streets and judged for doing so. My taxes weren’t helping anyone, not even me; instead, they were being sent overseas to fight wars, create bombs, and meddle in the politics of other countries.
I was watching friends, and people I knew deteriorate as they fell victim to America’s opioid crisis. At the ripe age of 26, I had lost more people drugs, alcohol, suicide, and guns than I can count on two hands. I was struggling with relationships, friendships, and the type of adult I wanted to be.
I left the United States on the cusp of its downfall. So, even looking back, I realize that it wasn’t at its worst, but I moved to pursue a better life for myself and to find happiness. I immigrated to Germany to pursue the German dream.
Did I find the German dream in Germany? My current happiness means the answer to that question is a resounding yes. As a registered freelancer, I can make money doing what I love. The German system supports me as a freelancer with amazing tax breaks and the ability to write off my home office, the tools I need to succeed, and all expenses. I buy a new computer, and the next month I immediately get a 200 Euro refund. Meanwhile back in the U.S., freelancers, and creatives are scraping by with no insurance and dwindling tax breaks. This year was the worst it seems.
I don’t have to make the decisions if I can afford to go to the doctor or not. My doctor once refused to give me a 50 Euro vaccine because it was “so expensive” and I could get it for free at the right clinic, even after I asked him for the sake of convenience to take my money and give it to me. Doctors here prescribe with care and caution. I can get over the counter and prescription medicine for cheap. I once told a pharmacist she must have forgotten some of my medication after handing her a measly 10 euro note for four medications. Here in Munich, people stay at home when they are sick.
My heart no longer beats faster when I walk down a cobblestone alley at night and see two men walking toward me. We pass each other without a word in the night and carry on with our lives. I don’t get unwanted attention, I don’t get catcalled, harassed, and people don’t try to talk to me when I have my headphones on. Being a woman in Munich is so much better than anywhere in the U.S., read more about my experiences. Meanwhile, the U.S. is time traveling back to an era of limited rights for women, our president has been accused of sexual harassment, our supreme court has a sex offender residing on it, indigenous women in Alaska go missing, and no one cares. Women’s rights are something to be voted on and yo-yoed back and forth with the coming and going of presidents and policies.
When I pay taxes I see the benefit. The parks and schools around me are clean, safe, and thriving. The bike trains and infrastructure are sturdy and vast. I don’t need a car as I can safely and comfortably take one of the many public transportation options. When it snows, it is immediately plowed. I once left my bike outside for an entire month while I traveled. No one stole it. Let that sink in.
Munich streets aren’t full of homeless people and homeless camps. There is a system in place to get people back on their feet and participating in the economy. I don’t have to worry about which friend I am going to lose next to gun violence, drugs, alcohol, or domestic violence.
I’ve made amazing friends in Munich. Everyone says being an expat or immigrant in Munich is hard; it’s tough to find meaningful connections. I have a group of friends that are solid through thick and thin. We enjoy everything from drinking wine and discussing gender-equality, traveling, to outdoor adventures, and they’re the type of people that I can rely on to be there for me when I need them the most. When I return home, I find I have fewer and fewer friends. Coming from a small town, people don’t understand how the world works, and I often feel disconnected.
Germany isn’t as far along in their journey to be as sustainable as I would like, but they are making efforts to reduce coal plants, reduce plastic, and fight for the environment. Living a sustainable life is much easier here than it was back home. There are environment protests every Friday, fights to save the bees, I have a zero-waste shopping store, it is easy to buy the things I need locally. I can ride my bike to do my shopping. We get energy rebates for using less energy every year.
I am able to travel and experience new cultures and languages. I am learning about history by living it. Living in Europe and traveling the world has given me empathy towards different cultures and people from all walks of life.
My partner enjoys six weeks of paid vacation. At a high performing management position, he is encouraged to take weekends off, to travel, to spend time with his family, and to prioritize life, because Germany knows people that find value in life are successful employes. Our relationship is strong because he is paid a fair working wage, works a reasonable amount of hours, and we can take time for ourselves to put our happiness and relationship first. His company is expanding and prioritizing its Munich and European offices. Would moving home mean he has fewer options for growth?
So, when am I coming home, you ask? My partner and I talk about this often. We miss our families more than anything. Being far away from my mom, dad, and sister leaves an aching hole in my heart. I moved into a new apartment in Munich, and I wanted nothing more than to invite my family over to help me decorate and get settled. As my parents get old, I worry about them and want to enjoy the last remaining years with them. For that, I am homesick.
I miss the wilderness in the National Parks and nature. National Parks here in Germany are crowded and full of livestock. I miss being able to head out of the city and be lost with no one except wildlife for miles. I miss the fire and the spunk of Americans, their personalities shining through, and the vocal people standing up for injustice. For that, I am homesick.
My husband’s family lives in Australia. He also has urges to be closer to his family. Is it fair to move back to the U.S. and further away from his family? We often think that maybe Germany is the happy middle ground between Alaska and Australia.
However, I am married to a foreign brown person, a smart one that is taking your job after he worked his ass for six years to get a masters in biomedical engineering. I am married to a person that has to shave before he comes into my home country because if he doesn’t, he looks like he could be from the middle east. We wonder if he will be welcome in our country. He is unsure if he wants to live in a country full of hate and inequality.
As a freelancer, if I return home will I get the same benefits I do here in Munich? Or will I have to fall back on working another menial job?
If we decided to have kids, would we put them through America’s broken education system that sets kids up for failure with nothing to fall back on? Would they end up with thousands of dollars worth of debt to get an education at a school supporting black face and neo-nazi kids with racism or one that covers up sexual assault? Would my daughter be denied fundamental human rights? Would toxic masculinity pressure my son? But, on the flip side if we ever did have kids would we want them to be so far away from family?
Would I have to buy a car due to the lack of public transportation? Would I even be able to take that car to a National Park, or will that land be taken away so some company can profit off it?
Will my tax dollars go toward the separation of families, the destruction of Palestine, aiding the destabilization of Central America, and bombs?
Don’t worry, though, just because I left the United States and moved abroad it doesn’t mean I am hiding with my head in the sand. I am still voting, and I am still protesting. I am fighting to make my home a better country if I ever do come home and for those that still live there.
Sure I am homesick, but that doesn’t mean I want to come home. I am happy. I am thriving. I am loved. I am supported. I am safe. I am respected. I am taken care of. Should I leave all that behind to come home? You tell me, as we apply for permanent residency
There might be a day I return home, it might be sooner rather than later in order to be with family, or it might be never. The decision won’t be made lightly, nor will it be easy. I know I will have a serious reverse culture shock. Part of me thinks I was always meant to be a European.
I saw your post listed on BPS (even though I’m not taking part in it this week) and I just really wanted to say how much I agree with everything you’ve written in the post. I’m actually a Brit that moved to America and nearly everything you’ve mentioned in this post are the reasons why I’m now considering moving back home to England. I was literally just thinking today ‘American dream? Pfft WHAT American dream?’. I too have said I’d never want to have or bring a child up in the USA. Thank you for writing this post. In has confirmed that I’m not alone in all the thoughts I’ve been having!
The U.K. definitely has its own set of problems, but even basic things like health care and education are so much better in the U.K. than in the U.S. I’m sorry you didn’t find what you needed in the U.S. and I hope you’re able to settle somewhere that makes you happy, no matter what that is.
Yeah exactly. I was always happy in the UK but moved for love and the cultural differences are just too much for me. I’m worse off financially and I’m ridiculously homesick. Yes the UK has lots of stabbings etc but in my eyes I stand more of a chance than if that was someone with a gun!
Love your honesty! I’m an Aussie living in The Midwest US. While my homeland is far from perfect, I’m blown away by the hot mess I’ve found myself living in. I’m going through the process of applying for German citizenship as one of the many options we are looking at to leave. Maybe I’ll see you in Munich some time 😉
Yeah AUS does have its own problems, my husband is from there, but definitely, things like health care and sustainable living are much better than in the U.S. Good luck applying for German citizenship. Let me know if you ever make it to Munich.
Wow, this was such a powerful and wrenching post. Thank you for these beautiful words, and I am right there with you.
Fantastic post Susanna! I moved in the opposite direction (from the UK to Canada.) I am completely baffled by some things in North America (like the teeny holidays) but Canada has been welcoming and pretty amazing to move to. I miss how easy it is to travel and experience different cultures in Europe, but I have been blown away by the epic National Parks on this side of the pond!
I completely empathize with the homesickness for family though. That is the hardest part about emigrating,
Good luck with your PR application! We’re doing the same here. 🙂
Good luck with your application. I definitely miss North America’s National Parks, quite a lot and I miss my family so much. Sounds like overall your settling into to life in Canada and it is a permanent home where you can pursue your dreams and happiness.
Wow what a great post. As someone that grew up in Germany but now lives abroad for over a decade, I know this question only too well.
I bet you look back on life in Germany with some issues and find happiness in your new home. Germany isn’t perfect, but it is just what I needed to find happiness and balance of life.
Hi Susanna,
I can’t agree with you more. After living in Switzerland, I shifted to the USA and have been staying here for the last three years and can completely relate to all your words. Hopefully, I will move back to Europe and this time to Germany (soon). Can’t wait to meet you and chat a bit more in person.
I love this. At the moment I spend the majority of the year working abroad (on ships, for a German country), and as much as I love the time I spend at home in England between contracts, with the ongoing ‘Brexit’ issues in England I’m feeling more and more like I should make the move abroad a more permanent thing.
It’s nice to hear about someone who has made a big move and really appreciated it!
It is hard to grapple with love for being home and the disdain for the way some things are headed in certain countries. Brexit adds so much unnecessary stress to the whole situation as well. I hope you find a place to settle if that is what you are looking for.
Couldn’t agree more. And things are getting worse for women in some places with this new bill about abortion. Talk about regressing not progressing! Fair play to you. I come from Zimbabwe and I know I could never have there what I have in the UK, much as I’d love to go home
Yeah, it is hard when you have to balance your love for your home country, friends and family, and the opportunities that were given to you by moving. I hope at least you are able to go visit Zimbabwe to quench your homesickness.
Your words resonate with me so much. I take so much for granted living here in the Netherlands. Sometimes I forget some of the reasons we left the US in the first place. Good luck with your residency application!
I honestly think I would have such bad reverse culture shock if I were to move back to the U.S., as I take a lot for granted here as well. I still need to come visit the Netherlands.
Just a terrific post. As an American who is living the hatred, division, and an effort to take part of our country back to 1952, i applaud you for seeking a better and more fulfilling life for yourself. We all share the planet so enjoy your piece of it!
Fantastic personal essay. I’m a Canadian who has always had the opportunity to get dual citizenship and I just can’t bring myself to ever contemplate living in the US. Not that Canada is the world’s shining example for progress, but there are a few things I don’t worry about (as much) like mass shootings and a broken educational system. Good for you for carving out a new life elsewhere. “Home” is wherever you decide it to be. Munich is an awesome city and I loved it for all the reasons you call it home. Thank you for sharing your story. And lastly, I am so very sorry that you lost so many to the opoid and drug crisis, sadly, our nations have that in common.
I didn’t realize it was so bad in Canada. I am a dual citizen to Canada and the U.S. and we often talk about moving to Canada to be closer to family, but not in the U.S. Hopefully both our nations can combat that issue, it will literally save thousands of lives! Honestly, the only thing that comes with American citizenship is they can double tax you, so there is no benefit for you to get citizenship unless you want to pay taxes!
I love this article and agree with you 100%.
Im a woman in the U.S. right now and I am absolutely horrified reading the news every day.
We downsized to van life a few years back to save money because we agree that this “American Dream” is long gone. At 38 my boyfriend and I are crippled with debts and will never be able to afford a home.
Luckily, on Monday we are getting out! We are headed to Peru for a few months before heading to europe.
I know that no location is perfect, but Im hoping we can find a little slice of happiness somewhere on this planet.
Wow! I am sorry you’re drowning in debt but so excited that you are making a change to get out and try something new. It will be scary and it will be hard, but it will be worth it. I hope you find your slice of happiness as well! Keep searching until you do.
Wandering Chocobo, for what it’s worth, the double taxation generally only comes into effect for high-wage earners or if you’re not paying as much in taxes abroad as you would be in the US. My husband and I have to file US taxes even though we live in Canada, and have never owed anything to the US. I suppose that’s a saving grace to the higher tax rate up here – that it means that we don’t owe to the US.
We have to be really careful, as my husband is a high wage earner, so we always have to file separately. It also gets complicated if you have an overseas bank with more than 10k in it. German banks don’t like that complication, so they often don’t like giving bank accounts to high-income Americans. I can’t share a bank account with my husband and if I receive a high paying job in one go I need to make sure I never have 10k in an overseas account. So, I do a lot of juggling.
Not participating in BPS but I saw your post in my feed and I came to read it. It resonates a lot with me in so many aspects. I moved from Italy to Sweden. A lot of young people leave Italy because of lack of jobs or opportunities there. I was not entirely the case for me. I was aware that Italy was not the easiest place to get a job but I didn’t even try searching for any there. I moved out of Italy because I believe in migration as a human right. I strongly believe in what we have with the EU. I moved out of Italy because I found a job in Poland and after 2 years in Poland I moved to Sweden because I wanted a change of place and career. I feel so privileged I could do it, without any legal hassle. Just move countries having the right to stay there.
Of course I miss my parents. Of course I miss the food culture in Italy. Would I want to go back? I have been out of my home country since 2011 and a lot of things changed since then. My beautiful homeland is moving towards that direction where immigrants are no longer welcome, where ots okay to deny access to our ports to ships full of migrants from North Africa. I am the daughter of an immigrant, now an immigrant myself. Would I want to move back to Italy? Sorry, but no. My greatest fear is that I would feel unwelcome. And it’s a very sad thought to have.
Thank you so much for your comment! I think we are experiencing a lot of the same things, so I empathize with you! I also believe that migration is a human right and I think countries need to start dealing with it as climate change makes certain places uninhabitable, but that is a different topic altogether. I also feel privileged I was able to move to Germany with a supportive partner and a strong passport. I wish that for everyone. I’m glad you made changes to pursue happiness and find a location that feels like home for you.
I absolutely understand this. I moved to Granada just as the Trump administration took over. It was a bit of a protest in a way, but it was also an escape. Having since moved back to the US just recently, there are plenty of things I don’t like–but I feel as though I have to be here in order to make a difference and change things for the better.
Great post and love your blog!
Thank you for doing your part to make a difference! Sometimes we need angry nasty women in the line of fire fighting for us!
Absolutely beautiful piece. We’re an American family who emigrated to Canada in 2013 and have never looked back. Your article hit home on so many levels – perhaps most of all the opportunities that it affords to me as a creative. I was previously working in mid-management and absolutely miserable; here in Canada, I run my own photography studio. I’m about to pay my 2018 taxes on my business and don’t mind doing so because I see the benefits of the taxes. If my kids are sick, we take them to the doctor. My son was hospitalized with pneumonia a few years ago. Including an ambulance ride, we paid zero for multiple nights in the hospital.
I miss my family and friends greatly, but am I willing to give up the quality of life we’ve found here? Not in a million years.
Yeah, it is amazing what benefits freelancers and small businesses get here. I know in the U.S. insurance is so hard to get as a creative and Trump just got a ton of tax refunds and benefits for them. I’m so glad when you kid got sick you didn’t go into debt over it. I’m glad you found happiness in Canada. I’m also a Canadian citizen and often think if we go back to N. America Canada will be a good option, so it’s nice to hear it is beneficial to be a creative there.
Love your blog post. You have penned so many of the answers to a question I get quite a lot. I promise, if you decide to have children, you will be asked even more and it will be that much harder to contemplate returning to the mess at home. As home sick as I am, I think we have done the best thing by being outside of the US right now, especially for our children.
Sounds like you made the right decision for you and your family. I wish you continued happiness!
As I read your post I was nodding in agreement the entire time. I too miss my family and friends in the States but honestly whenever we have to go back I am filled with dread. The stress, the demand for my loved ones to work harder and harder, and the social issues that disgust me are so overwhelming it doesn’t feel like home anymore.
I too love my life as a traveler and can’t imagine giving up the quality of life we have in other countries for the stress of the American life we once had. As you do I still vote, I still use my voice to protest the crazy things happening in the States right now, and will not stop fighting for healthcare, equality and gun control no matter where I live.
Good luck with your residency. I am in the process of applying for mine in Italy.
Sometimes I feel like I have to live overseas so I am able to prepare and save to help my family back home as their benefits are taken away from them. I know what you mean about home not feeling like home anymore. I hope you find extended happiness in Italy!
Yes! I’m a Polish-American in Cairo, and while no place is perfect I really do agree that the belief that everything is so great in the US is very misleading and ethnocentric at best.
I found your post through BPS and I love it! As I was reading it I kept saying “yes, yes, yes”. Although I am not living in Germany, so much of what you wrote resonated with me. Being abroad and learning about and experiencing different health care systems makes me so sad about the health care system in the US. It’s something I never realized until I started traveling. As someone who got burned out teaching in NYC for many years I know what you mean about where our tax dollars are going. So much honesty and truth in this post and well said!
I am glad you were able to connect with the post. I really struggle as so many people feel that the U.S. is where you need to go to live the dream, but there are so many other options out there. Germany isn’t perfect, but my quality of life has definitely improved.
Beautifully written introspective post. I’m asked these same questions as I’ve been living abroad now in Japan for 3 years with plans to stay for longer. Choosing between the family that you miss and your own dreams is hard, but I have to agree that the current decline of the U.S. in regards to civil rights, women’s rights, and general safety makes the micro-aggressions I face in Japan as a double minority (foreign African American woman) seem like a piece of cake!
Wow, that is a lot for you to say that facing microaggression in Japan as a minority is better than in the U.S. where there is so much diversity. I always wonder why the U.S. isn’t much more progressive we have one of the most diverse and mixed culture group and citizen base and it is so frustrating that women and non-whites struggle so much. I hope we get better, but I am glad that you are finding happiness in Japan through the aggressions you face there as well.
powerful!!!! YES WOMAN! i love to hear someone who doesn’t apologize for her choices, who is seeking the best for herself and is living the life she created. This concept of “HOME” is fabricated. In this day and age, I think what many of those challenging you to come HOME don’t realize is that Alaska and the US is your BIRTHPLACE, but Germany is now your HOME. We are finally living in a time where we are not tied to our birthplace, and we can seek out other opportunities as independent women (and men) and thrive, in another COUNTRY. Who’d have thought. But yes, we are living it.